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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Thing
Really
Remembering
Suddenly
Worse
Angry
Remember
Reason
More quotes by Dana Gould
You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
Dana Gould
If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
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They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
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Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
Dana Gould
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
Dana Gould
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
Dana Gould
My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
Dana Gould
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
Dana Gould
