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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Competitively
Losers
Loser
Content
Happy
Peace
Live

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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
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Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
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