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Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Looks
Grocery
Groceries
Dented
Caps
Hoodies
Hips
Cans
Cool
Dudes
Close
Cart
Full
Carts
Look
Skis

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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
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Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
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Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
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Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
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They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
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