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Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
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Carts
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Skis
Looks
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Groceries
Dented
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Hips
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Dudes

More quotes by Dana Gould

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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
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Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
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A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
Dana Gould
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
Dana Gould
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I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
Dana Gould
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
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