Quote

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Time
Whenever
Head
Guy
Start
Tell
Sawing
Someone
Statement
Great
Statements
Kind
Starts

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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
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I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
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