Quote

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Kind
Starts
Time
Whenever
Head
Guy
Start
Tell
Sawing
Someone
Statement
Great
Statements

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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
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I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
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If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
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