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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Guy
Start
Tell
Sawing
Someone
Statement
Great
Statements
Kind
Starts
Time
Whenever
Head
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
Dana Gould
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
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Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
Dana Gould