Quote

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Start
Tell
Sawing
Someone
Statement
Great
Statements
Kind
Starts
Time
Whenever
Head
Guy

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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
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If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
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My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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