Quote

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Kind
Starts
Time
Whenever
Head
Guy
Start
Tell
Sawing
Someone
Statement
Great
Statements

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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
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Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
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My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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