Quote

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Time
Whenever
Head
Guy
Start
Tell
Sawing
Someone
Statement
Great
Statements
Kind
Starts

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Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
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Competition is the death of art.
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Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
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What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
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I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.
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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
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