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Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Drive
Mouths
Open
People

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Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
Dana Gould