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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Boobs
Giant
Giants
Fake
Brother
Women
Wanted
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
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I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
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Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
Dana Gould