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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Finally
Already
Told
Long
Time
Invent
Machine
Machines

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The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
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You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
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Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
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I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
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If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
Dana Gould