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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Terrified
Rational
Stuck
Bear
Bears
Getting
Might
Elevator
Elevators
More quotes by Dana Gould
What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
Dana Gould
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
Dana Gould
The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
Dana Gould
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
Dana Gould
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
Dana Gould
This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
Dana Gould
I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
Dana Gould
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
Dana Gould
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
Dana Gould
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
Dana Gould
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
Dana Gould
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
Dana Gould
Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
Dana Gould
Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
Dana Gould
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
Dana Gould
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
Dana Gould
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
Dana Gould