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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Might
Elevator
Elevators
Terrified
Rational
Stuck
Bear
Bears
Getting

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I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.
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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
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If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
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A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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