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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Elevators
Terrified
Rational
Stuck
Bear
Bears
Getting
Might
Elevator
More quotes by Dana Gould
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
Dana Gould
If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
Dana Gould
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
Dana Gould
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
Dana Gould
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
Dana Gould
The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
Dana Gould
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
Dana Gould
The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
Dana Gould
A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
Dana Gould
Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
Dana Gould
I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
Dana Gould
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
Dana Gould
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
Dana Gould
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
Dana Gould
You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
Dana Gould
I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
Dana Gould
Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
Dana Gould
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
Dana Gould
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
Dana Gould
Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
Dana Gould