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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Bears
Getting
Might
Elevator
Elevators
Terrified
Rational
Stuck
Bear

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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
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Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
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If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
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Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
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Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
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