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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Scary
Seated
Beings
Labs
Deep
Cage
Study
Indication
Bigs
Cages
Fear
Rats
Human
Studies
Humans
Cat

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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
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Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
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Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
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I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
Dana Gould
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
Dana Gould