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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Money
Lift
Someone
Earn
Enough
Lifts
Make
Boxes
Weight
Pay
Education
Hauled
Father
Weights

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Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
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Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
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Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
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A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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