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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Pay
Education
Hauled
Father
Weights
Money
Lift
Someone
Earn
Enough
Lifts
Make
Boxes
Weight

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Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
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I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
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Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
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As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
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