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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Make
Boxes
Weight
Pay
Education
Hauled
Father
Weights
Money
Lift
Someone
Earn
Enough
Lifts

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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
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Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
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Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
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