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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Money
Lift
Someone
Earn
Enough
Lifts
Make
Boxes
Weight
Pay
Education
Hauled
Father
Weights

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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
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If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
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The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
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Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
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This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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