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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Pay
Education
Hauled
Father
Weights
Money
Lift
Someone
Earn
Enough
Lifts
Make
Boxes
Weight

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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
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As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
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You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
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The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
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Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
Dana Gould
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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
Dana Gould