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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Starts
Slow
Violent
Develop
Become
Cramps
Love
Builds
Like
Consumed
Intensity

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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
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What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
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Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
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If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
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