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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Starts
Slow
Violent
Develop
Become
Cramps
Love
Builds
Like
Consumed
Intensity

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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
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There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
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Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
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Competition is the death of art.
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Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
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Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
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They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
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You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.
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The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
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