Quote

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Joy
Goes
Point
Away
School
Orgies
Enough
Clapping
Jumping
Showing

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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
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