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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Would
Eyes
Eye
Someone
Thought
Must
Way
Mace
Good
Burn
Never
Gotten

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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
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