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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Must
Way
Mace
Good
Burn
Never
Gotten
Would
Eyes
Eye
Someone
Thought

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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
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You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
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Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
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This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
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Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.
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