Quote

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

Dana Gould

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Thought
Must
Way
Mace
Good
Burn
Never
Gotten
Would
Eyes
Eye
Someone

More quotes by Dana Gould

Image
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
Dana Gould
Image
Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
Dana Gould
Image
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
Dana Gould
Image
Competition is the death of art.
Dana Gould
Image
If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
Dana Gould
Image
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
Dana Gould
Image
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
Dana Gould
Image
The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
Dana Gould
Image
Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
Dana Gould
Image
If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
Dana Gould
Image
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
Dana Gould
Image
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
Dana Gould
Image
My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
Dana Gould
Image
I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
Dana Gould
Image
I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
Dana Gould
Image
Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
Dana Gould
Image
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
Dana Gould
Image
For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
Dana Gould
Image
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
Dana Gould
Image
The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
Dana Gould