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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Must
Way
Mace
Burn
Good
Gotten
Never
Eyes
Would
Eye
Someone
Thought
More quotes by Dana Gould
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
Dana Gould
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
Dana Gould
The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
Dana Gould
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
Dana Gould
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
Dana Gould
I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
Dana Gould
What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
Dana Gould
The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
Dana Gould
If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
Dana Gould
I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
Dana Gould
There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
Dana Gould
Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
Dana Gould
My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
Dana Gould
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
Dana Gould
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
Dana Gould
I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
Dana Gould
How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
Dana Gould
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
Dana Gould
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
Dana Gould
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
Dana Gould
