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Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Works
Government
Strippers
Believe
Republicans
Relationships
Fail
Republican
Prove
Failing

More quotes by Dana Gould

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Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.
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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
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Competition is the death of art.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
Dana Gould
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
Dana Gould