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Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Failing
Works
Government
Strippers
Believe
Republicans
Relationships
Fail
Republican
Prove
More quotes by Dana Gould
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
Dana Gould
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
Dana Gould
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
Dana Gould
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
Dana Gould
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
Dana Gould
Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
Dana Gould
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
Dana Gould
I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
Dana Gould
Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
Dana Gould
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
Dana Gould
What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
Dana Gould
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
Dana Gould
I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
Dana Gould
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
Dana Gould
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
Dana Gould
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
Dana Gould
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
Dana Gould
Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
Dana Gould
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
Dana Gould
Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
Dana Gould
