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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Helping
Semen
Every
Circus
Time
Clown
Thinking
Town
Towns
Somewhere
Help
Comes

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I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
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Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
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Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
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