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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Thinking
Town
Towns
Somewhere
Help
Comes
Helping
Semen
Every
Circus
Time
Clown

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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
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Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
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If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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