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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Thinking
Town
Towns
Somewhere
Help
Comes
Helping
Semen
Every
Circus
Time
Clown

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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
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To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
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Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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