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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Thinking
Town
Towns
Somewhere
Help
Comes
Helping
Semen
Every
Circus
Time
Clown

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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
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This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
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As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
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The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
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