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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Small
Alone
Left
Subway
Great
Knife
Way
Knives
Appear
Conversation
Deep

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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
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I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
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Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
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My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
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Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
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