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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Small
Alone
Left
Subway
Great
Knife
Way
Knives
Appear
Conversation
Deep

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Competition is the death of art.
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
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I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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