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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Way
Knives
Appear
Conversation
Deep
Small
Alone
Left
Subway
Great
Knife
More quotes by Dana Gould
I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
Dana Gould
Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
Dana Gould
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
Dana Gould
If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
Dana Gould
New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
Dana Gould
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
Dana Gould
My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
Dana Gould
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
Dana Gould
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
Dana Gould
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
Dana Gould
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
Dana Gould
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
Dana Gould
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
Dana Gould
Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
Dana Gould
That which does not kill you isn't finished.
Dana Gould
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
Dana Gould
Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
Dana Gould
