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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Appear
Conversation
Deep
Small
Alone
Left
Subway
Great
Knife
Way
Knives

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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
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Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
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Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.
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My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
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This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
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Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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