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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Appear
Conversation
Deep
Small
Alone
Left
Subway
Great
Knife
Way
Knives

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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
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Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
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Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
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Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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