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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Way
Knives
Appear
Conversation
Deep
Small
Alone
Left
Subway
Great
Knife

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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
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What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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