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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Cat
Dog
Cats

More quotes by Dana Gould

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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
Dana Gould
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
Dana Gould
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
Dana Gould
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
Dana Gould
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
Dana Gould
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
Dana Gould