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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Cats
Cat
Dog

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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
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You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.
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Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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