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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Poop
Dogs
Everywhere
Dog
Courses
Course
Mean
Love

More quotes by Dana Gould

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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
Dana Gould
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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
Dana Gould
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
Dana Gould
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There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
Dana Gould
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
Dana Gould
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
Dana Gould
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
Dana Gould
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
Dana Gould
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
Dana Gould
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If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
Dana Gould
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If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
Dana Gould
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
Dana Gould
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
Dana Gould
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
Dana Gould
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
Dana Gould
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Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.
Dana Gould
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
Dana Gould
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
Dana Gould
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
Dana Gould
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Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
Dana Gould