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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Marriage
Means
Right
Mean
Never
Love
Apologizing
Sorry
More quotes by Dana Gould
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
Dana Gould
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
Dana Gould
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
Dana Gould
Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
Dana Gould
Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
Dana Gould
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
Dana Gould
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
Dana Gould
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
Dana Gould
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
Dana Gould
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
Dana Gould
Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
Dana Gould
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
Dana Gould
Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
Dana Gould
I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
Dana Gould
What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
Dana Gould
Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
Dana Gould
The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
Dana Gould
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
Dana Gould
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
Dana Gould
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
Dana Gould