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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Apologizing
Sorry
Marriage
Means
Right
Mean
Never
Love

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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
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I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
Dana Gould