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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Coffee
Line
Lines
Waiting
Women
Long
Way
Like
Impatiently
More quotes by Dana Gould
I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
Dana Gould
My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
Dana Gould
Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
Dana Gould
If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
Dana Gould
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.
Dana Gould
What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
Dana Gould
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
Dana Gould