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I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Physically
Really
Way
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My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
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I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
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If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
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A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
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