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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Save
Pissing
Environment
Audition
Help
Pilot
Helping
Auditions
Home
Rope
Today
Pilots
Gas
Realized
More quotes by Dana Gould
Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
Dana Gould
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
Dana Gould
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
Dana Gould
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
Dana Gould
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
Dana Gould
To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
Dana Gould
I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
Dana Gould
A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
Dana Gould
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
Dana Gould
My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
Dana Gould
New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
Dana Gould
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
Dana Gould
Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
Dana Gould
I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
Dana Gould
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
Dana Gould
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
Dana Gould
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
Dana Gould
You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
Dana Gould
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
Dana Gould
The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
Dana Gould
