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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Gas
Realized
Save
Pissing
Environment
Audition
Help
Pilot
Helping
Auditions
Home
Rope
Today
Pilots

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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
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Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
Dana Gould