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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Save
Pissing
Environment
Audition
Help
Pilot
Helping
Auditions
Home
Rope
Today
Pilots
Gas
Realized
More quotes by Dana Gould
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
Dana Gould
For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
Dana Gould
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.
Dana Gould
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
Dana Gould
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
Dana Gould
Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
Dana Gould
People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
Dana Gould
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
Dana Gould
Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
Dana Gould
The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
Dana Gould
Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
Dana Gould
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
Dana Gould
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
Dana Gould
If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
Dana Gould
Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
Dana Gould
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
Dana Gould
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
Dana Gould
Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
Dana Gould
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
Dana Gould
My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
Dana Gould