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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Since
Came
Gone
Kids
Love
Petting
Dog
Along
Relationship

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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
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One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
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There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
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They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
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Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
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Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
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