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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Dog
Along
Relationship
Since
Came
Gone
Kids
Love
Petting

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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
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I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
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Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
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