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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Since
Came
Gone
Kids
Love
Petting
Dog
Along
Relationship

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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
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I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
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There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
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Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.
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