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If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Spent
Days
Many
Long
Would
Dryer
Dryers
Thirteen

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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
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Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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