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If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Thirteen
Spent
Days
Many
Long
Would
Dryer
Dryers

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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
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Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
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The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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