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If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Dryers
Thirteen
Spent
Days
Many
Long
Would
Dryer

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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
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I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
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Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
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Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
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One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
Dana Gould
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Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
Dana Gould
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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