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Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Meet
Bigs
Poop
Women
Forgot
Always
Park
Bags
Parks
Leaving
Dog

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I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
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My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
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