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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Anything
Believe
Counsellor
Counsellors
Stifling
Guidance
Laugh
Laughing
Possible

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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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