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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Laugh
Laughing
Possible
Anything
Counsellor
Believe
Counsellors
Stifling
Guidance

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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
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A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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