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Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Since
Thought
Also
Pooped
Everything
Primitive
Humans
Dawn
Time
Horrible
Poetry
Loved

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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
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Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
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Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
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Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
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Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
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