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Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Loved
Since
Thought
Also
Pooped
Everything
Primitive
Humans
Dawn
Time
Horrible
Poetry

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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
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Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
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This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
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