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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Cat
Dog
Hell
Heaven
Place

More quotes by Dana Gould

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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
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If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
Dana Gould
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Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
Dana Gould
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
Dana Gould
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
Dana Gould
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The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
Dana Gould
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
Dana Gould
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
Dana Gould
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
Dana Gould
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
Dana Gould
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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
Dana Gould