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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Place
Cat
Dog
Hell
Heaven

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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
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Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
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This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
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You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
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To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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