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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Cat
Dog
Hell
Heaven
Place

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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
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Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
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Competition is the death of art.
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Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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